On Being A Mother

With Mother's Day this weekend, I've been thinking about what it means to me to be a mother. I know I haven't been a mother for long, but, somehow, it's already not at all like I expected.

Sure, being a mother, especially in the early days, means getting no sleep to ensure your child is fed. It means taking a shower, only to get spit up or puked on, depending on how "productive" your child is in the vomit category. It means having to do an extra load of laundry because your child pooped through her clothes... And then all over the couch. And daddy. It means staying up all night because you want to make sure your child is still breathing. It means having that moment at two a.m., trying to comfort a seemingly inconsolable child, while saying "I don't know what the fuck you want.." while also crying. That last one just me? Oh, okay.

But, it occurred to me what else it means to me to be a mother. It's going in to check on your sleeping baby, only to find them quietly wide awake and giving you a big grin as soon as you come into view. It's rocking your baby, finally getting her to sleep, only to hear a tiny little sleepy giggle. It's that snuggle into your arms or your shoulder, because, to them, you are the safest place to be. It's the faces they make, perfectly fitting the situations, despite being made at random and not on purpose. It's the tiny hand, gripping the neck of your shirt when you try to put them back down. It is all of this and so much more.

At this very moment in time, that is what it means to me to be a mother. To be the comfort. To be the love. To be the protector. To be the teacher. The realization that, everything I do, is not for me, but for her. Every interaction she sees me have, every word I say, every action I take.. it's for her. I imagine that as KittyBaby gets older, my definition of being a mother will change, just as she does, but, for now, I'm content with this.